Skits

Just Plan Nuts

Chipper - Innocent squirrel. Likes his nuts, but is very jealous of his stash, and repeatedly moves it.
Alan - The tree Chipper and his friends live in.
Carl - Woodpecker that lives in Alan.
Pharaoh - Long dead ruler of Ancient Egypt
Steve - Pharaoh's assistant and mummy. Has trouble doing anything due to age and wrappings.

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Scene One: The setting is an everyday city park. It is a beautiful day. Pharaoh and Steve enter walking down the sidewalk.
Pharaoh: I swear we've walked all over this town and I still can't find a good hotel. There's nothing like the Luxor in Nevada.
Steve: (Loaded down with luggage, approaches park bench underneath a shady tree) Can we sit awhile, Master? My back is hurting, and only having on these dry rags as dressings is really starting to chafe (scratches crotch in emphasis)
Pharaoh: Fine. We can sit here. But try not to (Steve throws down suitcases) mistreat the luggage. Thanks. (sits down next to Steve)
Steve: Wow it's so hot here! I can't believe this heat! How much farther till we can get into some air-conditioning?
Pharaoh: I can't believe this! All you've done since we got here is complain! I wish they'd never buried me with you. Now I'm stuck with you for eternity. I thought, hey why not take a vacation from this afterlife thing and see America, but you're just trying to ruin this trip for me aren't you?
[Cut to tree branches sheltering Pharaoh and Steve who are still arguing below.]
Chipper: (coming out of hole of tree) What the hell's going on down there?! I can't get any sleep!
Carl: I don't know, these two weirdos just came and sat down and started arguing about dogs in heat or something. I didn't really catch it all. Why don't you sleep at night like normal squirrels? I mean its not like you're naturally nocturnal or anything.
Chipper: Because 'They' only come at night.
Carl: They?
Chipper: Yeah They. You know, Them, the ones who steal my nuts. I have to fool them. By defying nature and only sleeping during the day, I may catch them off guard.
Carl: But can't they just come during the day while you're sleeping and steal your nuts?
Chipper: Hmmmm, I may need to stop sleeping at all…
Alan: Quiet you two, I'm trying to catch what these two are talking about.
Chipper: I'm glad you're a tree. You're so friggin nosy, if you weren't a tree you wouldn't have any excuse to sit in one place and listen to everyone's conversation.
Alan: Do you like my nuts?
Chipper: What- what do you mean?
Alan: You are aware that you stay alive by eating my nuts…
Chipper: Oh, I hadn't thought of it that way.
Alan: So if you want to keep eating my nuts stop bothering me about being nosy.
Chipper: I'm sorry, man. I love your nuts.
Alan: Good.
Carl: You guys are seriously grossing me out.
Chipper: Why?
Carl: Let's just listen…
Steve: No! I don't mean to be a burden, Master, but ever since they mummified me and took my brain out with a spoon, I've just been a little… (goes into a stare)
Pharaoh: Not again… (slaps Steve's head)
Steve: - slow.
Pharaoh: You're not a burden, Steve. You just need to have some fun. Like this, do you see that squirrel over there gathering those nuts? (pointing)
Steve: Yeah…
Chipper: Hey! Man! Those are my nuts you're messing with! (other squirrels spits out his tongue) Oh hell no! I know he just didn't.
Carl: Yeap. He did. I thought you hid your nuts.
Chipper: (scammers up branch quickly.) I did! I move them three times a day so they won't be found…
Carl: Do you keep a map in your head or something?
Chipper: Yeah. I've got over two hundred fifty nuts hidden.
Alan: My nuts.
Carl: Two hundred fifty different locations… you'd think you'd be smarter.
Chipper: Are you calling me stupid?
Carl: No, I'm inferring that you're stupid.
Chipper: (scampers) Alan, what does that mean?
Alan: That you're stupid.
Chipper: Oh… I'll deal with you when I get back! (scampers down tree)
Pharaoh: You've got to learn to enjoy the simple things in life. Like squirrel chasing… (gets up and crouches low)
Steve: Oh. You do this a lot when I'm not around?
Pharaoh: Shhh… you've got to think like a squirrel to catch em… (pushes up robes and gets on the ground. Looks for nuts)
Chipper: Hey! Hey! Bitch! These are my nuts!
Pharaoh: See how he chatters at me, Steve? He's intimidated and scared. I've got them all figured out. Now I have to move around slowly and get behind him. The trick is to move when his head is down looking for his nuts, then freeze when he looks up. Gets em every time.
Steve: And I thought I was the one with out the brains…
Carl: This is too funny Alan. It's like the battle of the nit wits down there.
Alan: And all over my nuts too. I'm so proud.
Carl: I wish you'd stop talking about your nuts. I get pictures in my head…
Chipper: (puts head down, watches Pharaoh move. Picks head up, watches Pharaoh freeze) Hey guys check this crap out. I've got this guy trained already! This has to be the dumbest human being in the world. Now I wish I could just get him to move where I wanted him to.
Pharaoh: Now the secret to cutting him off from his tree is to make him think the exact opposite. So when he moves to his tree, you move out of his way so he's not threatened. But when he moves away from his tree, you just slide in between him and his home.
Steve: But don't they get aggressive when you cut them off from their home?
Pharaoh: (sarcastically) Yeah he'll probably tear my leg off.
Steve: Really?
Pharaoh: No, not really. You're such a dumbass. When we get through here I'm taking you to get a brain. Just watch what I do.
[Pharaoh watches as Chipper puts his head down and moves away from the tree, then he moves, doing exactly as he told Steve.]
Chipper: Oh my goodness. This is too easy.
Alan: It's so funny when Chipper messes with people like this. Remember when that guy came and tried to sneak up on him and scare Chipper. That guy was the one scampering up the tree!
Carl: Yeah that was great! You know we've kind of bonded these past few days. I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry for pecking all those holes in you like that. I can imagine how that feels.
Alan: It's ok, it kind of turns me on.
Carl; Ew! Gross! I think you get more freaky the more I talk to you. Next thing I know you'll be wearing black stiletto heels and lipstick…
Pharaoh: Now… you see how he's searching for his nuts- ew! Look! I found one!
Steve: Found one what?
Pharaoh: Of his nuts!
Chipper: Shit! My stash!
Pharaoh: You see how he's shaking? He's so frightened that I have his food supply in my hand.
Carl: That man has no idea what he's done…
Alan: I've got an itch… will you scratch my trunk?
Carl: Ew…
Pharaoh: Now if I could just stick my finger up his butt, then he'd really be pissed off!
Steve: What? And ew….
Carl: Yeah, ew…
Chipper: Give me that shit! (starts running towards Pharaoh)
Steve: Uh… Master? Are they, is the squirrel supposed to run straight at you like that?
Pharaoh: Like what-
Chipper: (leaping at Pharaoh) Aiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Pharaoh: Steve! Help! (jumps on Alan)
Steve: (sarcastic voice) Oh I can't help, I don't have a brain. I'm too stupid to help.
Alan: Hey get off me. (starts shaking. Pharaoh falls off along with hundreds of nuts) Oops. Hey Carl check it out. My nuts dropped!
Carl: I just can't say ew enough can I?
[Pharaoh and Chipper both freeze in a crouch, not sure whether to go after each other or the nuts.]
Steve: So what are you doing now, Master?
Pharaoh: Shhhhhh! I've got him on the run. He's confused whether or not to head for the tree or beat me to all these nuts. He's gotta eat to live, but at the same time I pose a threat to his life also.
Chipper: If he touches one of those nuts I'm going for his throat.
Carl: (shivers) You could cut the tension with a knife…
Pharaoh: Oh my… (stands erect and looks up) There's another squirrel stealing his nuts!
Chipper: Where? I bet it's that bitch Brenda!
Pharaoh: (steals nuts) Ha ha! Run, Steve! Run for your life!
Steve: (gets up and tries to run. Falls over)
Pharaoh: Ha ha! Works every time…
Chipper: Hey!
Steve: What a bastard thing to do.
Chipper: (scampers up tree)
Carl: Aren't you going to chase after him?
Chipper: Nah…
Alan: Why not?
Chipper: The joke's on him… those were Carl's nuts.
Carl: Ha ha- what? (looks down) Shit!