Skits
Office Humor
Scene One: Office. Two men split a cubicle.
Bob: Hey, man. How's it going?
Tim: Pretty good, man. What's up with you?
Bob: Nothing much. Surfing the net, having some fun…
Tim: True… true…
[both men snicker]
Tim: Hey, I've been meaning to ask you this… do you have any
Crack!?
Bob: What?
Tim: You know, CRACK!
Bob: Dude, I don't know what you're trying to pull, but you need to
calm down.
Tim: Sorry. I get excited some times.
Bob: I know, but what's your deal with crack today?
Tim: CRACK! Bob said, "Crack!" (pointing at Bob)
Bob: (looks around and grabs Tim) Pull yourself together,
man! Everybody's looking!
Tim: (in Bob's arms weeping) I'm sorry… It's just… Wait
(composes self) why the hell am I all emotional all of the
sudden?
Susan: (pops head over cubicle) You've probably got a turtle-head
a' pokin' that could choke a donkey.
Bob: Nasty! That's just nasty!
Fred: What's nasty?
Tim: CRACK!
Bob: (shakes head at Tim) Susan.
Fred: What about Susan's crack?
Susan: Excuse me?
Fred: Bob and Tim are talking about your crack.
Susan: You promised you'd never tell about my drug problems! You
bastard!
Fred: No! No! They're talking about your crack, you know. Your
bottom.
Tim: (stares at Susan curiously) Susan… you keep crack in
your crack?
Susan: What?
Tim: Can I have some!?
Bob: He's having problems today (cradles Tim's head).
Tim: Get off! Man, I'm fine. Damn… every now and then a man asks
for some crack and people think he's having problems. You people are
psycho.
The Boss: Gentlemen! I'll ask you to keep that down. And no more
cracks about Susan's crack
Tim: (pops up and points at The Boss) Crack! He said,
"Crack!"
The Boss: (turns to Bob) Is today Thursday already?
Bob: Yeap.
The Boss: And Susan… yours really is the best kind of
crack. (exits)
Fred: Guys, I think The Boss just made a pass at Susan.
Susan: Ew! Nasty!
Tim: Look, there's nothing nasty about your crack, Susan. We
all (motions with arms to encircle the men) appreciate your
crack on an hourly basis.
Susan: Tim, if today were any other day than Thursday, I'd slap
you. But since today is Thursday… (leans down and kisses him) Thank
you. (exits)
Tim: Wow.
Bob: Man, I'm the one that has to put up with your crap and you get
the kiss!
Tim: Man, that was almost like sex.
Fred: You get laid much, Tim?
Tim: Nah, most of the girls I meat have an unnatural aversion to
CRACK ROCK! (bangs head against computer screen) Sorry.
Fred: Bob, are your ears still wringing from that Stone Temple
Pilots concert.
Bob: Yeah, I've been hearing "BURN! BURN BURN!" all day.
Tim: (opens desk draw and finds some chalk. Places it on desk
and beats it with a stapler) Damned DEA…
Bob: What was the deal with Susan and drugs.
Fred: (looks around) She went through this phase in the
early seventies.
Tim: (dumps chalk onto desk. Starts snorting it up) Crack
Rock rules!
Bob: Excuse me. (pulls mace out of pocket and sprays it up Tim's
nose)
Tim: Wah! Oahgn! Woo! Woo! Man! Shit! (nose swells
shut) Damn it… I forgot about that one.
New Guy: Um, excuse me. I'm new here. What's his deal with
crack?
Tim: (walks slowly over to New Guy. Bends low to chair) He
said, "Crack!" Everybody heard him say, "Crack" right!?
Fred: Every Thursday he goes through this dire need to get some
crack.
New Guy: Is he addicted to it or something?
Bob: No. Actually, he's never smoked it. Just every Thursday he
seems to try to get some.
New Guy: How long does this go on for?
Fred: Until Friday.
Tim: Don't talk about me in third person! I'm here damn it.
Fred: Tim, I think I saw some crack in the ladies' room.
Tim: (astonded) Crack?
Fred: Yeap.
Tim: In the ladies' room?
Fred: I do believe so.
Tim: (smiles at Bob. Then makes a mad dash for the Ladies'
Restroom) Ha ha ha! Nothing can stop me now!
Bob: Damn it, Fred! (pursues Tim)
Fred: Sorry, I just can't help myself.
Tim: (bursts into restroom. There is a scream.) I SEE
SUSAN'S CRACK!
The Boss: Who hasn't?
New Guy: So what are Fridays like around here?
Fred: Ever seen "Monty Python and the Holy Grail?"
New Guy: Once.
Fred: (smiles)
[end scene]
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