Jake's Shorts
Strike the Wal
By: Jacob Watters
Wal woke to the passive white light pouring into his room through the upper half of the window next to his bed. The lower half blocked the sunlight with cardboard from an old project display he used a year ago. He smacked his lips, rubbed his tangled her, and looked at the clock, 6:35. He sighed and plopped back down into bed. Yet another day when he'd defeated the entire purpose behind having an alarm clock. One day, he promised himself, he would sleep until the alarm actually went off at 6:45.
He rolled over and blinked at a strange sensation that came to his cheek. He reached his hand to his face and dabbed at the dampness.
"Great… wallowing in my own spit… just great…"
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP! Like he'd had a heart attack, Wal jumped up dressed only in his skimpies and dove half blind in the general direction of the alarm clock. He didn't even come close as he tripped over the cloth's hamper that doubled as a rest for his keyboard and half rolled into the far wall, his feet dangling over his bent neck.
"Ow…"
Wal managed to clumsily angle himself back over and plant his two feet on the ground. He glared at the alarm clock and flipped it off. Being sure to keep his middle finger as the sole extension from his hand, he furiously tapped the off switch. He kept on batting the switch with his middle finger even though the alarm had ceased to sound. Harder and faster he tapped the switch. Tap tap tap tap tap tap.
"Yeah! How do you like it, loud boy! Not so pleasant is it! Next time you shut the mess up ten minutes before you go off!" With one last invigorating tap, Wal turned from the alarm clock.
He looked at himself in the mirror over his wide dresser. He smiled and spent only one futile minute trying to manage his hair before giving it up. After a few customary pectoral flexes and other such physical praises, he turned to his hamper and put it back in place. He picked through yesterday's cloths and found the keyboard. He knocked a sock off it as he raised it up and set it on the hamper.
"Oh, man…" he stretched like a ferocious bear, yawning, and half-yelling for a moment, "Oh yeah! Ub! Dgud! Raaa… much better!"
He squinted his eyes in search for his glasses that should be somewhere… around his bed… Yeap! There they were, right on top of his report that was due yesterday.
"Yesterday!" he screamed, picking it up in a hurried motion, "Ah hell."
He tossed it on top of his book bag sitting close to the hamper, and put on his glasses. He turned back to his dresser and grabbed a clean pair of underwear and some shorts.
Wal opened the door and peeked his head out. His roommates hadn't woken up yet. Good, he wanted to run to the kitchen and get some water before he took a shower. On previous mornings, while he was getting that first cup of water, he'd forgotten that he now lived with two other guys. Wal's Dr. Sues skimpies were the topic of conversation for the next three days.
Like a rabbit he sprang on his tippy-toes to the kitchen, filled a cup with water and guzzled it down. Just as hurriedly, he sprang back to bathroom.
He took off his glasses and popped in his contacts, blinking the last of the sleepiness from his face. He looked at his fresh face in the mirror.
"Damn! Look at you, all handsome and stuff. And you haven't even taken a shower yet. Woo! Look out! I'm gon' get all clean shaven, and stuff. Be all petty and handsome-looking fo my women," he clapped his hands together happily. It was just one of the many character voices he'd made in his 20 or so years of life.
Wal slapped himself alert. He stripped and hopped in the shower.
"AH!"
One of his roommates had left the lever up again, ensuring that whoever next took a shower would be rained on by the cold water that sat in the shower pipes all night. Wal stared blankly at the tiles for a moment, trying to let his anger warm him. It didn't work. He quickly reached out a hand and slammed down the lever. Much like he did to the clock, he thumped on the lever with his middle finger and grumbled half-witted insults.
He sighed and adjusted the dial more towards the warm side.
After three minutes of being under the warmth of heated water, Wal had forgotten all about the alarm clock, the stumble, and the cold water shock. He was pleasantly warm. The felling brought him to singing. Not great singing. It wasn't bad singing, just the kind of way people hum a tune or say a few words from a song that amuses them.
"Blue on black match on a fire, push on a shove, it don't mean much. Joker in jack… lips of a camel," of course Wal was prone to making up lyrics when the proper ones didn't come to mind, "I can see clearly now the rain is gone! I can see all obstacles in my way!"
Shortly thereafter, Wal was dry, dressed, and clean shaven. With one last look in the mirror, he left the bathroom, threw on his shoes, grabbed some snack-breakfast, and was out the door to work.
He came into work announcing his arrival. Most of the coworkers took a brief minute away from their work and returned the greeting.
Wal made his way to his workstation. He smiled at Kacey, his coworker, as he settled himself down into his chair.
"Hey, girl."
"Hey, Wal."
"How's my favorite female coworker doing today?"
"Wal, I thought you said I was your favorite female coworker?" came the voice of another woman coworker on the other side of the large office space.
Kacey smiled at the question.
"Oh! You are, Jenna. You're my favorite female coworker on that side of the office. Kacey's my favorite coworker on this side of the office."
"Right," Jenna said.
Kacey rolled her eyes and went back to work.
"Kacey, you want to eat lunch with me?"
She turned from her computer with a regretful look on her face, one side of her upper lipped curled, "I can't. I'd like to but-"
"It's on me!"
"Sorry, but I've already made plans for lunch."
"With who?"
"Eric."
"Who's Eric?"
"My boyfriend."
Wal sighed, "Gaw! I can't believe you're ditching me for your boyfriend."
"Sorry. I may take you up on that offer tomorrow…"
"Yeah, well, maybe I'll be having lunch with my girlfriend tomorrow!"
"Oh yeah? What's her name?"
"Ju… Ka… Cindy…"
"Cindy what?"
"Cindy… all right. So I don't have a girlfriend. I'm going to work now. Thanks for putting me into a depression."
"Awe… him so poor!"
Wal gave her the poutty face and went back to work.
That was all right. Wal had some other female interests he planned on pursuing later that day. He was only at strike one.
Lunchtime came around. Kacey had already left with her boyfriend. Most of the others in the office had skipped out for an early lunch, too. Wal was the only one left in the office, as far as he could see.
Wal put on his sunglasses as he stepped out into the horrendous blaze of the afternoon Florida sun. Even through the UV blocking lenses he squinted several times before his eyes relaxed. He sighed and headed towards the Student Union on campus.
Only his thoughts and a very faint smile, the reasons for which were known only to him and his strange humor, kept him company along the walk to the union. He came to the university bookstore and darted in. He looked around quickly for any fiction books that might catch his eye, but none did. The brunette cashier, on the other hand, certainly grabbed his attention. He walked over to her with a smile.
"Hi."
"Hi," she couldn't see anything in his hands, "Is there something I can do for you?"
"Actually, I came over here in the hopes of winning you over with this a smile and a sense of humor."
She smiled slightly and turned her head in interested curiosity, "What do you mean?"
Wal pulled her name from the nametag she wore, "Marla, is there anyway I might get your number so I can give you a call some time?"
Still holding on to her pleasant smile, she said, "I'm not in the habit of giving my number out to strangers."
"Oh? Is that all that's holding you back? Cause I could come in again tomorrow, and then I won't be a stranger."
"I'm here tomorrow. In the meantime I'll have to think up of another excuse."
"Ouch…"
"I'm kidding."
Still, it was strike number two for Wal. Nonetheless, he put on his smile and said he'd stop by tomorrow.
He walked out of the bookstore, this time without the slight smile at his lips. His features were lax, and he kept his hands in his pockets.
"On to the union," he said quietly to himself. He walked only a little more slowly.
Suddenly feeling more tired than he had not three minutes ago, Wal found his humorous thoughts were pushed into a pile at the back of his brain. He had to work at them to get them to come forth.
He walked into "Nonsense," the only pub-restaurant on the university, and sat himself down at the stool table between the big-screen TV to his left, and a smaller one just on the other side of the bar looking down from up high.
One of the waitresses that were usually there around lunchtime came up to him and put a menu in front of him.
"Hi, can I get you a drink?"
Wal folded his sunglasses and rested them on his shirt. He smiled, "What's your name?"
"Hannah."
"Hannah, I'd like a sweat tea, please."
"Sure," she smiled and left to fetch the beverage.
"Cute," Wal said to himself. A look of misunderstanding swept across his face at the same time he picked up the menu, "I don't know why I bother sometimes. It's always either they're taken or just aren't interested…"
His eye caught hold of an interesting item on the menu. He laughed to himself, "Hippo-fat hamburger special?" He read on and decided that was an appropriate name. The size of the hamburger alone was enough for the name, not to mention all the extras of the meal.
"Are you ready to order?" Hannah asked as she sat the drink in front of Wal.
Wal looked up to the pleasant face of Hannah. His smile from the discovery of the Hippo-fat hamburger was still present. Her face brightened a little more seeing the genuine smile on Wal's face.
"Hi, Hannah. Thanks for the tea. I'd like to have the hippo-fat hamburger special, please."
"Okay. Did you want the BBQ sauce on it?"
Wal considered, "I don't know. Have you eaten it?"
"Yeah."
"What would you recommend?"
"Personally, I like it better with honey-mustard. But I'm a honey-mustard freak, so I'm biased."
"I'll try it with honey mustard then."
"Okay," she had said.
Hannah had a pleasant beam about her. She had that kind of honest, cute demeanor that made one instantly think of shlopping…
"What?" Wal asked himself, "One day I hope to actually understand the human mind… or my mind. Gaw…" he sighed, trying to overcome the unexpected thought.
Wal amused himself by watching the big screen TV and listening to the radio station that played in "Nonsense."
"Mofugger beer. It's the smoothest Mofugger around. This Mofugger right here will set you back as you relax in your name-brand Mofugger chair…" he heard it playing.
Hannah came back shortly with the hippo-fat hamburger. She set it down in front of Wal, "Is there anything else I can get you?"
"No, thanks," he looked the hamburger over. Even the large bun couldn't cover the entirety of the meat, "Lord! That's a colossal monster."
"Yeah," Hannah agreed. She looked at his half empty class and took it up, "I'll bring you some more tea."
"Thanks."
"Thanks," she replied, and realized that her response didn't make sense.
Wal watched her struggle over the foolish response as she silently talked to herself for only a moment. He smiled. Maybe she did like him.
Hannah brought back the drink, and Wal got serious about eating. However, he managed to always have some food when she came by and asked if he needed anything else. He'd smile with his mouth closed and the food, and point to the glass, which he managed to always keep half-empty.
Twenty-minutes later, and a few considerable pounds heavier, Wal was finished. He couldn't handle any more of that hippo-fat burger. He sighed and leaned back in his chair. He stared pleasantly at the TV. Mentally, the room was vacant.
"Do you want your bill now?"
"What? Oh! Sure, yeah," Hannah had surprised him.
"I'll be right back."
She was gone only a moment before handing Wal a white slip of paper in front of him.
Wal looked it over quickly, trying to figure the fifteen percent tip, but as usual, decided to forget it, took ten percent, and doubled the amount. He handed her a twenty. She took it to the register and made change.
"Here you go," she handed him the money
"Thanks," Wal accepted the money, "Hey, Hannah, I was wondering if I could maybe get your number and give you a call some time."
"Awe," she smiled pleasingly, "That's sweet, but I have a boyfriend."
"Right, I expected a beautiful, young woman to have one. In that case, I'll see you later."
"Bye," she waved as Wal turned.
"Strike number three…" he sighed.
He put on his sunglasses far ahead of the time when he'd actually step out into sunlight. And once he got outside, he thought the sunglasses should be considerably darker. Wal took a slow step and stopped. He stared at all the little birds flying around and the stupid squirrels gathering imaginary nuts, for Wal couldn't see anything for them to pick up, and suddenly he felt out of place and wondered how the day had changed so much in the last hour.
"And I wander why my body wakes me up so early, before the alarm even goes off… you'd think I was excited about every new morning…" Wal sighed again and picked up his pace. Not from a change in feeling, but because nothing had killed him yet. And he had work to do.
Wal extended his middle finger and lightly tapped his noggin as he walked. The tap tap tap on his head reminding him of strike strike strike.
[The End]