If you're not afraid of clowns, you probably know someone who is. And if you don't - you do now - me! First of all, there are two kinds of clowns that I'm not afraid of - rodeo clowns and ass clowns. Rodeo clowns are bull - literally. They put themselves in front of a raging bull, risking injury or death. Because of that, they don't frighten me. And ass clowns, who aren't clowns in the conventional way, are just stupid people. Don't get me wrong. Stupid people do scare me. But they scare me in a different sense. They don't scare me in the "Oh my God, that clown's going to kill me!" sense, if that makes any sense. I hope that explanation made sense. But then there are clowns like Bozo and Ronald McDonald. They are the "Oh my God, that clown's going to kill me!" clowns. They're evil! I would like to share my phobia with you, expressing some of my opinions, experiences and even some informational and (believe it or not) fun clown links. First of all, notice that I called my fear of clowns a phobia. It's called coulrophobia or clownophobia. This is a real phobia that affects approximately 10 percent to 20 percent of the population - myself included.
Go back a few years with me… Remember the movie, Poltergeist? (Can I get an Amen?) There was an evil clown doll in the movie that came to life and did evil clown things. Well, when I was about 10 years old, I had a clown doll that looked just like the one in Poltergeist. After I saw the movie (not a good idea for a 10-year-old, I know), my mom threw my evil clown doll in the garbage. Flash forward to today. Hello, my name is Angie Lewis, I'm 23 years old and I'm scared of clowns. It's absurd, I know! I think I really do need to attend ISOCA (I'm Scared Of Clowns Anonymous) meetings. (Note: This is not a real organization. I made it up.) Clowns are happy and fun. They make balloon animals, spray seltzer down their pants and hundreds of them fit into one tiny car. Children love them. Right?
So what's wrong with me? Clowns are scary bastards! That's what's wrong with me! (Disclaimer: If you make your living as a clown, or even do it on the side for extra money, please don't take the "scary bastards" comment personally. I happen to have a problem with clowns. So the thought of you willingly dressing up as one, makes me want to punch you in your big, red nose and ask you, "Why?") Poltergeist wasn't the turning point for me, however. I don't know what was. I think I slowly started feeling uncomfortable around them at the circus. Like at any moment they could come running into the crowd and do evil clown things to me! I can't remember the last time I went to the circus. Maybe it's because I've blocked out the horrifying experience. And I've always hated those Jack-in-the-Boxes. I've never been able to spin the handle and not jump when the little freak pops out! Watching the movie, It, when I was in high school didn't help my problem either. I also don't think attending Halloween Horror Nights at Universal Studios the past two years, where Jack the Clown roams the park, has helped. Scary bastard. And that Midway of the Bizarre, where clowns roam free… SCARY crap! A few years ago, I was walking through the Midway, scared out of my poo, when a clown came up to me and offered me his arm to escort me to the end. I reluctantly took his arm and proceeded down the way, passing all of the games. When we reached the end, the clown reached out his arms for a hug. I, again, reluctantly swallowed my fear (which was not as bad then) and gave him a hug. However, to my horror, the clown made a perverted moaning sound while hugging me! That experienced has haunted me ever since. When I attend Halloween Horror Nights, I try to avoid the Midway (which is hard to do) or I scale the side of the walkway, where none of those bastards can scare or moan at me. Ewh! Don't get me wrong. I love to be scared. I love scary movies. I just hate clowns. Friendly-looking clowns are just as scary as evil-looking clowns. I have no distinction.
In fact, I was walking around Old Town in Kissimmee one night with my parents when I saw a clown in the middle of the street, making balloon animals for kids. My dad, knowing my feelings about clowns, directed me to the other side of the street and placed himself between the clown and me. Whew! That was a close one! More recently, I was browsing the movies in Blockbuster with a friend. She thought it would be funny to pick up a video sleeve with an evil clown on it and show it to me. That was my first serious clown breakdown. I had a panic attack! I couldn't breathe! My heart started palpitating! It was one of the scariest things I've ever experienced. That same friend has told me what a hoot it would be to show up outside my house one night with a huge clown poster and knock on my bedroom window! (I have compassionate friends, no?) I was in a movie theater a few months ago with my best friend, who shares my clown hatred, watching Scary Movie 2, when it spoofed the clown doll in Poltergeist. We both covered our eyes and curled up into the fetal position in our seats! My best friend and I are not the only ones that feel this strongly about the big shoe-wearing scary bastards. UCF junior Linnea Brown says, "I've never seen the movie, It, because I know it's about a clown. And I hate clowns. They've always creeped me out." Maggie Gunther, a journalism major, says, "My fear of clowns started when I saw the movie, It, when it originally aired. I was a little kid. It played over two nights, and after the first night, the clown was still alive. It was a very scary night. I couldn't take a shower and I avoided gutters. I felt a little better the next night after they killed him. But I'm still scared of clowns." We are not alone. There are also websites dedicated to clown haters everywhere. Here are a
few of them:
Besides the clowns I mentioned at the beginning of my story, there are also other "famous" clowns. Remember the Killer Klowns from Outer Space? Have you heard of the band, Insane Clown Posse? (I hadn't until I came across them doing my research. And you can bet, I won't become a fan any time soon!) What about Krusty the Clown from The Simpsons and Homey D. Clown from In Living Color? It's a nightmare of scary bastards! They're everywhere! There are categories of crap dedicated to clowns! Art, museums, movies, music, game shows, dolls, costumes, collectible figurines… Where does it end?!
Perhaps the most frightening clown fact is the story of John Wayne Gacy. He was a serial killer who dressed up as Pogo or Patches the Clown to entertain children at parties and in children's hospitals. He killed more than 30 young men and buried their bodies under the floorboards of his house. Talk about your scary bastards. Stories like that make it hard to conquer my fear. Clowns are evil. Have I made my point? However, please don't take it upon yourself to go out and beat the poo out of a clown. After all, clowns are just regular people wearing makeup, a red nose and big shoes. They're not hiding under your bed, waiting to grab you by the ankles and pull you under! Stalking you, as you walk to your car, alone, at night! Pulling scary clown things out of their pants and using them to kill you! Hanging out at children's birthday parties and schools, so they can eat the kids! Are they?
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Krusty the Clown Main Title is a sampling from Go Simpsonic With The Simpsons: Original Music From The Television Series [Soundtrack]
